


Hands Unclean

by nerdqueenenterprise



Series: Kisses - Chril Edition [8]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Crying, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Blood, Mentions of Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-24
Updated: 2017-09-24
Packaged: 2019-01-04 22:09:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12177477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdqueenenterprise/pseuds/nerdqueenenterprise
Summary: For the Kiss Meme - Prompt 32: "When someone kisses the other person's hand(s)"Phil deals with having lost a patient.





	Hands Unclean

The sky is grey, for once, rain hitting the windows almost listlessly. Phil knows he should be used to the feeling of crushing failure by now, but he isn’t. He just stopped thinking about the should’ve-could’ve-must’ve’s and accepted that it was, in fact, his fault. Every time. 

His breath fogs the window. There was nothing he could’ve done, he was just … not good enough. That’s almost worse.

He eyes his fingers, oddly detached. It feels like they’re drenched in blood, every single time, like the claws of a monster.  _ Unclean _ . And, even more dreadful,  _ murderer _ .

 

Predictably, Chris finds him within a few hours. The door  _ thwip _ s open, revealing familiar broad shoulders in the reflection in the window.

    “Hey,” he says gently.

Phil doesn’t feel like talking. He feels more like staring out the window for the next ten years.

Chris wraps himself around Phil, enveloping him in a warmth Phil doesn’t feel he deserves.

    “It’s not your fault, Phil. You did the best you could.”

    “Yeah, sure.”

    “I’m serious. You’re the best doctor in the galaxy, and you did everything you could.”

Phil shakes his head, and now the tears are starting to try to fall. He blames it on Chris.

    “I - there - there should’ve been  _ something _ , Chris, I -”

    “No. No, Phil, my beautiful boy, it’s not your fault and there was nothing you could’ve done. Come on, let’s go sit down. You’ve been standing all day.”

Phil follows him a bit dazedly, sits when prompted. He stares down at his hands and can only see the latex gloves he wore red with blood. The horrible sound of the flatline, his own voice calling it from somewhere far, far away.

    “He was only five,” he begins. Chris wraps himself around Phil and takes his hand in his, rubbing over the knuckles. “He was only five. He had so much to live for.” His voice breaks on the last syllable.

Chris laces their fingers together and lifts Phil’s hand to press a gentle kiss to every knuckle.

    “You’re the best doctor I know. You saved so many people, Phil, so many.”

The tears start burning in his eyes. Chris takes his other hand and kisses the knuckles again.

    “You’re only human, Phil, and yet you saved so many lives. I know you want to save everyone, but you’re only human. It’s not your fault.”

Phil buries his face in Chris’ shoulder and starts to cry.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you guys for reading! <3 this was just a quick something that somehow ended up happening :p
> 
> come say hi to me on [my tumblr](http://www.nerdqueenenterprise.tumblr.com), and don't forget that i do [prompts](http://www.nerdqueenenterprise.tumblr.com/prompts)!


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